i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
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so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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