I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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