I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
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Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
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Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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