I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
