I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
