Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
