i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
