his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
