Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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