I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
