Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
