I faked an abortion last night.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
