A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
