if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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