i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
