smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
this boner is exhausting
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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