Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
