Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
