i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
