I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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