two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
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The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
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So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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