Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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