Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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