he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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