I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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