I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
