Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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