i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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