I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
