Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
