You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
