I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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