i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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