Texts From Last Night

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  (559): View more from California

  my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.

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  (559): my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment. http://tfl.nu/sp0b
  Replies (20) Good night (3893) Bad night (939)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.

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  (215): Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating. http://tfl.nu/ef4v
  Replies (34) Good night (638) Bad night (4718)
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  (858): View more from California

  you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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  (858): you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?" http://tfl.nu/xq6v
  Replies (43) Good night (8891) Bad night (1563)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day

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  (334): just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day http://tfl.nu/5gym
  Replies (11) Good night (1069) Bad night (3209)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer

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  (850): You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer http://tfl.nu/uk5v
  Replies (2) Good night (3111) Bad night (758)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

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  (207): you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom http://tfl.nu/am8n
  Replies (11) Good night (5597) Bad night (986)
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.

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  (863): I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious. http://tfl.nu/2u5k
  Replies (5) Good night (2658) Bad night (787)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"

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  (678): Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS" http://tfl.nu/1tt6
  Replies (4) Good night (1676) Bad night (743)
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr

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  (507): Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr http://tfl.nu/hq3c
  Replies (3) Good night (1154) Bad night (638)
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

  (1-989): View more from Michigan

  I'll uninvite my mom

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  (989): He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis. (1-989): I'll uninvite my mom http://tfl.nu/cezv
  Replies (5) Good night (1701) Bad night (554)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.

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  (651): well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well. http://tfl.nu/icbo
  Replies (1) Good night (495) Bad night (1051)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.

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  (812): Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes. http://tfl.nu/kd9i
  Replies (6) Good night (802) Bad night (377)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.

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  (256): That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants. http://tfl.nu/0w7x
  Replies (5) Good night (713) Bad night (418)
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.

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  (805): I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever. http://tfl.nu/ftkt
  Replies (1) Good night (412) Bad night (341)
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.

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  (262): Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing. http://tfl.nu/xeab
  Replies (2) Good night (275) Bad night (294)

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