You're my little dorito
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
