One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
