why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
