Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
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If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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