fuck your aforementioned shoe
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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