you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
