I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
