My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
