i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
God, I missed his penis.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
