I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
