If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
