What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
