Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize