My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You made out with two different species that night
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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