did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
