Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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