i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you will always have a special place in my vag
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I forget how to act sober
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