Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
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I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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