He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
