just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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