I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
