I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
