He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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